READING 1
Romans 7:15-20
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which wells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me.
READING 2
From St. Augustine’s Confessions, Book 8
Then, in that great struggle within my inner abode—which I had forcibly provoked with my soul in that little room of ours, my heart—being disturbed as much in my countenance as in my mind, I rush in upon Alypius and cry out: ‘What is wrong with us? What does this mean, this story you heard? Unlearned men are rising up and storming heaven, while we with our teachings which have no heart in them, here we are tumbling about in flesh and blood! Is it because they have led the way that we are ashamed to follow, yet are not ashamed of the fact that we are not following?’ I said some such words, and then my mental agitation tore me away from him; while he kept silent, terrified as he looked upon me. Not even my voice sounded as usual. Forehead, cheeks, eyes, complexion, the way I spoke, gave more indication of my mental condition than did the words I uttered. A little garden belonged to our residence, and we used it as we did the rest of the house, for our host, the landlord, did not live there. The tumult in my breast carried me out there, where no one could hinder the burning struggle which I had entered upon against myself; to what solution, Thou didst know, but I did not. Yet, my madness was healthful and my dying was life-giving; I was aware of the extent of my evil, but I was unaware of the extent of the good I would shortly attain. So, I withdrew to the garden, and Alypius followed in my footsteps. There was no lack of personal privacy for me when he was present. Moreover, how could he abandon me in such a frame of mind? We sat down as far away from the building as possible. I was shaken in spirit, angered by a most violent indignation at the fact that I did not enter into an agreement and covenant with Thee, O my God, for all my bones cried out that I should make this step, and extolled it to the heavens with praises. Entry into this agreement did not require boats or chariots or movement of the feet; I did not even have to go as far as we had gone from the house to the place where we were sitting. For, not merely to go, but actually to reach that disposition, meant nothing else than to wish to go—strongly and completely of course, not just a half-wounded wish, turning now to this and now to that, nor a will threshing about in a struggle wherein, when one part rises up, another part is cast down.
REFLECTION
St. Augustine experienced what St. Paul described as he struggled with interior disturbance in his heart. He described his heart as “that little room” and he wrestled there with shame and confusion over decisions that he had made. There was “tumult” in his breast as he pondered the “healthful madness” and “life-giving dying” he was undergoing in his shaken spirit. He was wrestling with the decision to be fully committed to the Lord, to become truly Christian. He knew that it did not require external things like boats and chariots, but only an interior movement—a strong and complete wish. St. Augustine gives us permission to admit our own interior struggles, especially in places where we have only half-heartedly committed to Christ or are holding out and holding on to our own forms of worldliness. As we empty our hearts, let us ask ourselves if there is anything we are holding on to that needs to be released and offered up to the Lord. Is there any way you are being asked to commit more whole-heartedly to the Lord in following Him?
Prayer of Abandonment by St. Charles de Foucauld
Litany of Healing and Repentance in the Eucharist
Consecration to the Heart of Jesus Through the Hearts of Mary and Joseph
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