Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment.

In our first reflections we looked at the importance of relationships and our goal to develop a communion of persons. Relationships are essential, but relationships can also be hurtful or unhelpful, even when we are trying to help. The poor woman in this Gospel passage was harmed by many doctors. Doctors can be good and healing or they can cause more problems. Or to say it another way, in the words of my high school soccer coach: “Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent. Only good practice makes perfect.” What is the good practice in accompaniment relationships and what are some pitfalls that we need to avoid?

Accompaniment should provide support in suffering, drawing close to failure, providing unconditional love in the midst of struggles and self-doubts and encouragement where there is weakness. To the contrary, a problematic form of accompaniment may increase the problems by increasing shame. Two pitfalls that can increase shame are surveillance accountability and fixing. Surveillance accountability tries to use shame to produce better behavior. Fixing is a form of shaming that exposes weakness and declares it bad and implicitly rejects the person who has it.

Surveillance accountability tries to leverage the fear of shame to produce better behavior. For a person who is struggling with something (alcohol, porn, getting enough prayer, living Exodus goals), the fear of letting an accountability partner know about it is supposed to prevent the bad behavior. The problem is that this leverage is very weak and especially for strong behaviors like porn or alcohol that act like firefighters (see previous posts for an explanation of firefighters), the pain they are trying to numb is much more significant than the fear of shame and so a person will fall despite the accountability. Then the shame is magnified because of the shaming accountability partner. In contrast, consider a spiritual companion who is ready to meet you in your shame with empathy, support you in your weakness, and show and help you to have hope that you can begin again.

Another problem can be the tendency to fix people. This problem is stereotypical for men (see the video “It’s Not About the Nail” [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIJYO4u5iug]). When we approach a person as a problem to fix, we end up shaming their weakness. We are giving the message: “There is something wrong with you” or “You are messed up” or “You are broken.” These messages intensify shame and create a fear of rejection and abandonment. The person may take in the message that love is conditional, pending your fixing of this problem. This is particularly bad because most of these problems are not easily overcome. Then the person is in a bind, feeling further shame, being more tempted to hide the problem and tunneling deeper into despair.

Loving accompaniment focuses on receiving the person as he is, entering into the struggle with him, empathizing with the difficulty, giving a reason for hope, and offering as much help as possible. This accompaniment does not rush the process or set deadlines or pressures on overcoming particular behaviors. This is true friendship, the love of a brother who is committed to the end.