Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment.

The concept and practice of “accountability” has developed wide acceptance as a support for doing our best and avoiding our worst. We all know the effect it has on us when someone is watching. The problem is that when “accountability” acts like surveillance, it can also actually intensify the very source of our troubles, namely the strong drive we have to avoid feeling shame (as described in the last reflection). Shame-based solutions to bad behavior are minimally effective and often short-lived at best.

Is there no value then to having a community, an anchor, and fraternal support? To the contrary! The best fraternal support, however, is not through intensifying shame but rather through offering empathy. Shame evaporates when it is doused with empathy. What is empathy? Empathy is a willingness to enter into the experience of another person. It requires connecting with something in our own experience that helps us to enter into the experience of another person. There is no judgment in empathy, but simply a loving acceptance of the person and a willingness to descend into his or her suffering. And there is no doubt that this is not easy. Considering that we have plenty of our own pain, why would we want to enter into the pain of another?

This is the criticism Jesus lodges against the Pharisees: “They bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with their finger” (Mt 23:4). This describes the shaming approach to accountability. It makes the burden heavier and does nothing to lift it. Rather we “bypass” it. To the contrary, empathy helps to lift the burden by getting underneath it and sharing it with the person.

Like the Pharisees we can sometimes justify our behavior with spiritual principles—this is called “spiritual bypassing.” We use pious platitudes to distance ourselves from the problems of others, such as “Take it to Jesus,” or “Offer it up,” or “Just pray for a miracle,” or “If you would just forgive your enemy you wouldn’t be so bitter.” These statements are not bad in themselves–Jesus does help, we can offer up struggles, miracles happen and forgiveness helps. The problem is that these statements are sometimes used to justify not entering into another person’s pain.

What each of us needs is empathy from a brother who is willing to listen, understand and be with us in the struggle. A better reply is something like, “I know it took courage to share that with me. It’s so hard to feel weak. I’m not sure what to say but I can assure you that I am with you. You can count on me.” Even more so, we can offer to explore the experience and open our heart to our suffering brother: “Can you tell me more about what you’re going through? I really care and I want to understand.”

Our fraternal support can make a huge difference in the life of our brothers, not because we are watching them and shaming them into better behavior, but because we are with each other in the pits and we can build each other up in hope and in love.

For more on shame watch this short video by Brené Brown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5C6UELitWkw

For more on empathy watch this short video by Brené Brown: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw