{"id":10735,"date":"2026-08-27T19:03:22","date_gmt":"2026-08-27T23:03:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-09\/"},"modified":"2026-08-27T19:03:22","modified_gmt":"2026-08-27T23:03:22","slug":"e90-accompaniment-09","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-09\/","title":{"rendered":"Accompaniment 9: Mk 5 \u2014 Fixing is a form of shaming"},"content":{"rendered":"

Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment.<\/em><\/p>\n

In our first reflections we looked at the importance of relationships and our goal to develop a communion of persons. Relationships are essential, but relationships can also be hurtful or unhelpful, even when we are trying to help. The poor woman in this Gospel passage was harmed by many doctors. Doctors can be good and healing or they can cause more problems. Or to say it another way, in the words of my high school soccer coach: \u201cPractice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent. Only good practice makes perfect.\u201d What is the good practice in accompaniment relationships and what are some pitfalls that we need to avoid?<\/p>\n

Accompaniment should provide support in suffering, drawing close to failure, providing unconditional love in the midst of struggles and self-doubts and encouragement where there is weakness. To the contrary, a problematic form of accompaniment may increase the problems by increasing shame. Two pitfalls that can increase shame are surveillance accountability and fixing. Surveillance accountability tries to use shame to produce better behavior. Fixing is a form of shaming that exposes weakness and declares it bad and implicitly rejects the person who has it.<\/p>\n

Surveillance accountability tries to leverage the fear of shame to produce better behavior. For a person who is struggling with something (alcohol, porn, getting enough prayer, living Exodus goals), the fear of letting an accountability partner know about it is supposed to prevent the bad behavior. The problem is that this leverage is very weak and especially for strong behaviors like porn or alcohol that act like firefighters (see previous posts for an explanation of firefighters), the pain they are trying to numb is much more significant than the fear of shame and so a person will fall despite the accountability. Then the shame is magnified because of the shaming accountability partner. In contrast, consider a spiritual companion who is ready to meet you in your shame with empathy, support you in your weakness, and show and help you to have hope that you can begin again.<\/p>\n

Another problem can be the tendency to fix people. This problem is stereotypical for men (see the video \u201cIt\u2019s Not About the Nail\u201d [https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=XIJYO4u5iug]<\/a>). When we approach a person as a problem to fix, we end up shaming their weakness. We are giving the message: \u201cThere is something wrong with you\u201d or \u201cYou are messed up\u201d or \u201cYou are broken.\u201d These messages intensify shame and create a fear of rejection and abandonment. The person may take in the message that love is conditional, pending your fixing of this problem. This is particularly bad because most of these problems are not easily overcome. Then the person is in a bind, feeling further shame, being more tempted to hide the problem and tunneling deeper into despair.<\/p>\n

Loving accompaniment focuses on receiving the person as he is, entering into the struggle with him, empathizing with the difficulty, giving a reason for hope, and offering as much help as possible. This accompaniment does not rush the process or set deadlines or pressures on overcoming particular behaviors. This is true friendship, the love of a brother who is committed to the end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. In our first reflections we looked at the importance of relationships and our goal to develop a communion of persons. Relationships are essential, but relationships can also be hurtful or unhelpful, even when we are trying […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":10722,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-10735","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P7bfMR-2N9","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":10726,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-00-intro\/","url_meta":{"origin":10735,"position":0},"title":"Accompaniment: Introducing my contribution","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. In the Benedictine, monastic tradition, there is a strong emphasis on accompaniment. Monks learn to be monks from other monks. This only works when monks are willing to be vulnerable and\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10727,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-01\/","url_meta":{"origin":10735,"position":1},"title":"Accompaniment 1: Gen 2 \u2014 It is not good for man to be alone","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. In his monumental work on the Theology of the Body, Pope St. John Paul II introduced some key terms: \u201coriginal solitude,\u201d \u201coriginal unity,\u201d and \u201coriginal nakedness.\u201d Original solitude described the state\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10734,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-08\/","url_meta":{"origin":10735,"position":2},"title":"Accompaniment 8: Mt 23 \u2014 Spiritual bypassing","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. The concept and practice of \u201caccountability\u201d has developed wide acceptance as a support for doing our best and avoiding our worst. We all know the effect it has on us when\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10736,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-10\/","url_meta":{"origin":10735,"position":3},"title":"Accompaniment 10: Jn 13 \u2014 A new commandment","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. This Gospel passage summarizes the whole of salvation history and its fulfillment in Christ with a single commandment: \u201cLove one another as I love you.\u201d Earlier Jesus indicated that the greatest\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10731,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-05\/","url_meta":{"origin":10735,"position":4},"title":"Accompaniment 5: Jn 4 \u2014 He told me all that I ever did","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. As we have reflected, we are made for being in a communion of persons. Our Exodus groups can be a great example of that. A real depth of friendship can form\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10732,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-06\/","url_meta":{"origin":10735,"position":5},"title":"Accompaniment 6: Rm 7 \u2014 I do not do what I want","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. \u201cI see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin which dwells in my members\u201d (Rom 7:23).\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10735","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10735"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10735\/revisions"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/10722"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10735"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}