{"id":10734,"date":"2026-08-27T19:03:21","date_gmt":"2026-08-27T23:03:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-08\/"},"modified":"2026-08-27T19:03:21","modified_gmt":"2026-08-27T23:03:21","slug":"e90-accompaniment-08","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-08\/","title":{"rendered":"Accompaniment 8: Mt 23 \u2014 Spiritual bypassing"},"content":{"rendered":"

Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment.<\/em><\/p>\n

The concept and practice of \u201caccountability\u201d has developed wide acceptance as a support for doing our best and avoiding our worst. We all know the effect it has on us when someone is watching. The problem is that when \u201caccountability\u201d acts like surveillance, it can also actually intensify the very source of our troubles, namely the strong drive we have to avoid feeling shame (as described in the last reflection). Shame-based solutions to bad behavior are minimally effective and often short-lived at best.<\/p>\n

Is there no value then to having a community, an anchor, and fraternal support? To the contrary! The best fraternal support, however, is not through intensifying shame but rather through offering empathy. Shame evaporates when it is doused with empathy. What is empathy? Empathy is a willingness to enter into the experience of another person. It requires connecting with something in our own experience that helps us to enter into the experience of another person. There is no judgment in empathy, but simply a loving acceptance of the person and a willingness to descend into his or her suffering. And there is no doubt that this is not easy. Considering that we have plenty of our own pain, why would we want to enter into the pain of another?<\/p>\n

This is the criticism Jesus lodges against the Pharisees: \u201cThey bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men\u2019s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with their finger\u201d (Mt 23:4). This describes the shaming approach to accountability. It makes the burden heavier and does nothing to lift it. Rather we \u201cbypass\u201d it. To the contrary, empathy helps to lift the burden by getting underneath it and sharing it with the person.<\/p>\n

Like the Pharisees we can sometimes justify our behavior with spiritual principles\u2014this is called \u201cspiritual bypassing.\u201d We use pious platitudes to distance ourselves from the problems of others, such as \u201cTake it to Jesus,\u201d or \u201cOffer it up,\u201d or \u201cJust pray for a miracle,\u201d or \u201cIf you would just forgive your enemy you wouldn\u2019t be so bitter.\u201d These statements are not bad in themselves–Jesus does help, we can offer up struggles, miracles happen and forgiveness helps. The problem is that these statements are sometimes used to justify not entering into another person\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n

What each of us needs is empathy from a brother who is willing to listen, understand and be with us in the struggle. A better reply is something like, \u201cI know it took courage to share that with me. It\u2019s so hard to feel weak. I\u2019m not sure what to say but I can assure you that I am with you. You can count on me.\u201d Even more so, we can offer to explore the experience and open our heart to our suffering brother: \u201cCan you tell me more about what you\u2019re going through? I really care and I want to understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Our fraternal support can make a huge difference in the life of our brothers, not because we are watching them and shaming them into better behavior, but because we are with each other in the pits and we can build each other up in hope and in love.<\/p>\n

For more on shame watch this short video by Bren\u00e9 Brown: https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=5C6UELitWkw<\/a><\/p>\n

For more on empathy watch this short video by Bren\u00e9 Brown: https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. The concept and practice of \u201caccountability\u201d has developed wide acceptance as a support for doing our best and avoiding our worst. We all know the effect it has on us when someone is watching. The problem […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":10722,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-10734","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/P7bfMR-2N8","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":10735,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-09\/","url_meta":{"origin":10734,"position":0},"title":"Accompaniment 9: Mk 5 \u2014 Fixing is a form of shaming","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. In our first reflections we looked at the importance of relationships and our goal to develop a communion of persons. Relationships are essential, but relationships can also be hurtful or unhelpful,\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10736,"url":"https:\/\/www.fatherboniface.org\/wordpresshome\/books-and-articles\/e90-accompaniment-10\/","url_meta":{"origin":10734,"position":1},"title":"Accompaniment 10: Jn 13 \u2014 A new commandment","author":"Father Boniface Hicks, O.S.B.","date":"August 27, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"Written for Exodus 90 in 2023, as part of a series of ten reflections on the art of accompaniment. 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